Wednesday, August 29, 2007
WHEN IT HURTS.....
I don’t know if it’s genetic or random. I don’t know if it’s because I’m a woman or just silly. The hardest thing for me is letting go. As far back as I can remember, I hated the end of anything. Be it ice-cream or playing outdoors until dark, whether it was old shoes finally thrown away or Christmas or family visiting. I always hated for things “to end.”
Unfortunately, the older you get the more you have to let go and for someone like me it literally hurts. I want to hold everything dear and never let go. In the space of four months I have lost my husband, my favorite cousin and now Ellen. Before I lost them, I lost three pets in a short time.
Missy was first and the Lord knows I tried to keep that cat alive. We took her where we went and kept her in the house for 15 months. I spoon fed her to keep her going and she was just a little ball of fur on bones by the time she died. The only way I could have her put to sleep was in my arms, outside the Vet’s where she could hear the birds singing and the warm sun on her. She looked around as if to take in one last final look before dying. I think she knew because I was crying so……along with Rocky and Becky.
Tuffy was next to go. He died at home while we were gone one day. We knew it wouldn’t be long. Mysteriously he just quit eating and for no good reason, just withered away. I still cannot understand it. Of course we spent a fortune at the Vet’s and with every test that could be done, it was of no use.
Then Morris died on the same day Rocky died. It wasn’t planned of course. Holly, Rocky’s daughter, was sleeping on the couch in the living room and he kept throwing up bile all night and was very sick. She is a veterinarian assistant and was up with him. I didn’t know until I came out in the morning that he was so sick. He was over 17 years old and we had him put to sleep because once their kidneys stop it’s a terrible death.
Rocky was very sick at the time and very weak. The Hospice nurse told us she thought he had another week or at least several days. She left and he died that evening. It has been a long year of losing. Still……..we cannot stop to feel sorry for ourselves because life has to go on. It isn’t easy after a string of losses and everyone has to find their own way to deal with it.
I have always been able to rally and turn in another direction when one road is blocked, so people think I am strong and able……but if I am so, it still hurts me just the same. I am not beyond pain but I have this idea in me that cannot be shaken. I believe we will live again and our loved ones will welcome us “home.” One day there will be no separations, which to me, is the greatest pain of all.
Until tomorrow, I am,
Essentially Esther
Unfortunately, the older you get the more you have to let go and for someone like me it literally hurts. I want to hold everything dear and never let go. In the space of four months I have lost my husband, my favorite cousin and now Ellen. Before I lost them, I lost three pets in a short time.
Missy was first and the Lord knows I tried to keep that cat alive. We took her where we went and kept her in the house for 15 months. I spoon fed her to keep her going and she was just a little ball of fur on bones by the time she died. The only way I could have her put to sleep was in my arms, outside the Vet’s where she could hear the birds singing and the warm sun on her. She looked around as if to take in one last final look before dying. I think she knew because I was crying so……along with Rocky and Becky.
Tuffy was next to go. He died at home while we were gone one day. We knew it wouldn’t be long. Mysteriously he just quit eating and for no good reason, just withered away. I still cannot understand it. Of course we spent a fortune at the Vet’s and with every test that could be done, it was of no use.
Then Morris died on the same day Rocky died. It wasn’t planned of course. Holly, Rocky’s daughter, was sleeping on the couch in the living room and he kept throwing up bile all night and was very sick. She is a veterinarian assistant and was up with him. I didn’t know until I came out in the morning that he was so sick. He was over 17 years old and we had him put to sleep because once their kidneys stop it’s a terrible death.
Rocky was very sick at the time and very weak. The Hospice nurse told us she thought he had another week or at least several days. She left and he died that evening. It has been a long year of losing. Still……..we cannot stop to feel sorry for ourselves because life has to go on. It isn’t easy after a string of losses and everyone has to find their own way to deal with it.
I have always been able to rally and turn in another direction when one road is blocked, so people think I am strong and able……but if I am so, it still hurts me just the same. I am not beyond pain but I have this idea in me that cannot be shaken. I believe we will live again and our loved ones will welcome us “home.” One day there will be no separations, which to me, is the greatest pain of all.
Until tomorrow, I am,
Essentially Esther
