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Friday, April 20, 2007

THE STRUGGLE..... 

Why are we sleeping in a store? Where are we? Where are we supposed to go now? I don’t remember where we are. Where is our house? Why am I so weak? I’m heading home now. Where do we live?

These are the questions in Rocky’s head now. He doesn’t talk much but when he does he is wanting answers. I quietly tell him where he is…… “We are home, honey…..in the prettiest little house in all the world. We don’t have anyplace to go now, honey. Just rest. You are weak because you have come a long way….your body is tired. It’s all right, you can rest now. You are home with Esther Belle.”

He falls into a deep sleep for several more hours. When he wakes, I offer him something to drink or eat. He does take a little and using a straw has helped him drink without having to attempt sitting up.

He cannot walk alone. Once he is standing I have him put his hands on my shoulders and we take baby steps to the bathroom or living room. He resists any thing he isn’t familiar with, such as the oxygen. Yesterday he asked for it once he had walked to the living room with me.

He has not wanted help to drink or eat but yesterday and today he has allowed me to feed him or hold his glass. His voice is weak and words are few. He is not irritable, he is just my gentle giant who has never known what it is to be dependant on someone else for anything. He has always been the giver and always “been there” for everyone else.

In his weakened state he is still more of a man and a gentleman than any one I know. I do not have time to grieve because I am on alert for any need he might have. There is no room in my heart for anger. I have been blessed and I know it. To have spent 6 years with Rocky and his wonderful family have been more happiness than I could have wished for. It will be enough to carry me through the next years I must live without him.

But I will not be alone. He will always be part of me and he is taking part of me with him……..

Until the next time, I am,
Essentially Esther