Friday, April 07, 2006
RAIN, SWEET RAIN.....
What a difference a day makes. We have basically spent two months getting ready for our visit with Dr. Morgan. First it was our local doctor, then colonoscopy, the CT, a visit to Dr. Eck preliminary to surgery, healing enough to see Dr. Morgan and then full circle yesterday.
As I said last night…..all we wanted was a chance. We got it.
That was a big step up for me. In November 1996 I sat in a doctor’s office a few blocks from where we were sitting yesterday and I couldn’t help reflecting on the comparisons. Bear and I were sitting in front of Dr. Applegate’s desk as she was delivering the results of his MRI.
It was virtually a death sentence. No way out……and it would be fast moving and quick. The sky was dark gray and overcast with rain falling when we left the building. I was in shock. When we got to the car I began crying……..how could I give up my husband with so little warning? I couldn’t imagine my life without him…… that other person who is your soul mate and ingrained within every part of you. The marriage vows ran through my mind…… “and the two shall become one”……. over the years, that had certainly been the case. We were one.
Bear died in our home less than three months later. I had the privilege of caring for him myself……many hours sitting by his bed while he slept or giving the care that was needed for his comfort and condition. In the long months after, I wrote poetry which would later be a testament of the journey.
I made myself look forward and spent time wondering what God would have for me in the time I had left. All the things I enjoyed before are the things that kept me going afterwards. I found comfort in the normal routine of each day……
I remember thinking, “I know I still have a lot of love left in me to give…..what will I do with that, God?” After four years he brought Rocky into my life as quickly as He took Bear “home.” Once again life had new meaning and we had a very active and gratifying (almost) five years together before the big “C” came into our life.
Yesterday, I sat with Rocky watching it rain in the waiting room. I thought how strange it was to be raining again. My two husbands had such similar history’s with me. Bear had a fast moving brain malignancy and Rocky had brain surgery for a non-malignant brain tumor. They both had the same surgeon. Now we were waiting to see another doctor just blocks up the street from Bear’s last visit to Dr. Applegate.
Terminal cancer….yes. ….but please give us at least a chance for treatment. We got the chance. I remember reading about the Spiritual leader of the Ogalala Souix Indians written by his descendant, Black Elk. Later when we visited the Black Hills National Park we met him and had our pictures taken with him.
He wrote that his grandfather would make certain visits to the highest point of the mountain to worship God and while he was there in prayer it never failed to rain. He called the rain God’s blessing on his visit……that God heard and answered. One time Black Elk made the trip with him and it was very dry. No clouds. His grandfather continued in steadfast prayer.
A little cloud on the horizon came closer and closer and before they left the mountaintop a gentle rain fell upon them as a sweet benediction. Rain was life-giving in Indian culture.……..and the rain fell yesterday.
Until tomorrow,
Essentiallly Esther
As I said last night…..all we wanted was a chance. We got it.
That was a big step up for me. In November 1996 I sat in a doctor’s office a few blocks from where we were sitting yesterday and I couldn’t help reflecting on the comparisons. Bear and I were sitting in front of Dr. Applegate’s desk as she was delivering the results of his MRI.
It was virtually a death sentence. No way out……and it would be fast moving and quick. The sky was dark gray and overcast with rain falling when we left the building. I was in shock. When we got to the car I began crying……..how could I give up my husband with so little warning? I couldn’t imagine my life without him…… that other person who is your soul mate and ingrained within every part of you. The marriage vows ran through my mind…… “and the two shall become one”……. over the years, that had certainly been the case. We were one.
Bear died in our home less than three months later. I had the privilege of caring for him myself……many hours sitting by his bed while he slept or giving the care that was needed for his comfort and condition. In the long months after, I wrote poetry which would later be a testament of the journey.
I made myself look forward and spent time wondering what God would have for me in the time I had left. All the things I enjoyed before are the things that kept me going afterwards. I found comfort in the normal routine of each day……
I remember thinking, “I know I still have a lot of love left in me to give…..what will I do with that, God?” After four years he brought Rocky into my life as quickly as He took Bear “home.” Once again life had new meaning and we had a very active and gratifying (almost) five years together before the big “C” came into our life.
Yesterday, I sat with Rocky watching it rain in the waiting room. I thought how strange it was to be raining again. My two husbands had such similar history’s with me. Bear had a fast moving brain malignancy and Rocky had brain surgery for a non-malignant brain tumor. They both had the same surgeon. Now we were waiting to see another doctor just blocks up the street from Bear’s last visit to Dr. Applegate.
Terminal cancer….yes. ….but please give us at least a chance for treatment. We got the chance. I remember reading about the Spiritual leader of the Ogalala Souix Indians written by his descendant, Black Elk. Later when we visited the Black Hills National Park we met him and had our pictures taken with him.
He wrote that his grandfather would make certain visits to the highest point of the mountain to worship God and while he was there in prayer it never failed to rain. He called the rain God’s blessing on his visit……that God heard and answered. One time Black Elk made the trip with him and it was very dry. No clouds. His grandfather continued in steadfast prayer.
A little cloud on the horizon came closer and closer and before they left the mountaintop a gentle rain fell upon them as a sweet benediction. Rain was life-giving in Indian culture.……..and the rain fell yesterday.
Until tomorrow,
Essentiallly Esther
