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Wednesday, September 14, 2005

JANUARY 5TH, FORWARD....1997 

Bear slept all night with peaceful breathing and never moved. I slept on the couch again in case he needed me and got up at 6:00 a.m. to check on him…..still sleeping. I was afraid it was an unnatural sleep and called the alternate nurse. (It was Sunday.) She gave me some pointers but didn’t feel she needed to come again that day. I let him sleep a little longer and he was still in the same position he was the night before. He was so motionless I was afraid and gently spoke to him….he opened his eyes to my relief. I knew he should have water so I got a cup and teaspoon and tried to get him to drink it. Teaspoon by teaspoon he took a little but not much. I didn’t want him to choke so I didn’t press him.

Becky was with us all day which was a help. Bear wouldn’t take food but did take a little broth and soft jello. I bathed him and we changed the bedding……..we both told him we just about lost him the day before and he looked accusingly at both of us and held up his hand with the pointer finger towards us and shook his head ‘no’……Becky asked if it happened again did he want us to let him go and he emphatically said, “yes.” We had company all afternoon and evening but he was mostly quiet and resting. I kept everyone informed of his condition because they were all anxious and continuing to pray for us. They were always so encouraged when he was better and concerned when the news wasn’t good.

The next day was crisp and cold. I heard him stirring so I got up from the couch and went over to him……..he was alert and responsive. He looked much better and of course that was always encouraging to me. He took his meds and drank from a glass. Later in the morning his regular Hospice nurse came by and felt everything was under control. She was sorry we had such a bad weekend. I had already shaved and bathed Bear so she helped me change the bedding while she was here. She was very good to ferret out supplies for me and I appreciated her attention to our needs. Becky brought groceries at noon for me and Bear drank a half cup of broth and ate two crackers. He seemed to enjoy it and went right to sleep.

I took advantage of his better condition and did some cleaning and got things organized. He later ate some broth and a piece of toast. Our nurse stopped in the next morning to see if everything was still running normally and it was. By the 8th of January his consciousness was much better and he was awake more. He wasn’t eating a lot but did take solid food and seemed to enjoy it. It began snowing that afternoon and we watched the big flakes float past the window where his bed was. It was calming and I sat in his wheelchair next to him for a long time.

The next day Becky took the day off and scooped our walks and a place for the birds to have feed. Others stopped in to see if they could run errands or help in any way while another couple came and scooped the snow away from our driveway where the grader had piled it up as it bladed past. There is no way of measuring the gratitude I felt for so many folks who wanted to put feet to their prayers and help us out any way they could. These were some of the people who held an 11-day and night prayer vigil when Bear almost died over 17- years ago when he lost his leg. They just didn’t want to give this man up. At the same time I was strengthened daily by their prayers as well.

All this time, John and Barb, George and our extended family kept calling almost daily from all over the country to check on Bear. In turn, they were having prayer vigils and contacting everyone they knew who would pray for us. Anyone who has gone through a long and extended illness knows how powerful those prayers are when it comes to sustaining you through the ordeal. We were humbled and grateful.

With snow on the ground I happened to notice 13-bluebirds at our bird bath. We had a heater in the water to keep it thawed during severe weather and they were taking advantage of it. It was a beautiful and reassuring sight. The next day we had 14 and it was such a treat to watch them enjoy the water. On the 15th we had freezing rain and drizzle on top of our snow so I went out early to feed and water all the birds. It was a classic winter day and we both took a nap in the afternoon with our kitties. They took turns jumping up on Bear’s bed to snuggle up in the quilts and snooze. It was a quiet day and we had less company so we got a lot of rest and went to bed early that night………..

As I drifted off to sleep I was thinking how normal everything seemed to be. It was hard to think that one of these days Bear wouldn’t be with me anymore. The mind just keeps hiding what it doesn’t want to face, I think. I wasn’t in denial because I knew “it” was going to happen…….the big question was how much time did we have left? I’ve always heard we should take one day at a time and we had been living that one day for weeks. I didn’t want it to end but I knew on a given time, it would………..

Until tomorrow,
Essentially Esther