Friday, September 16, 2005
FEBRUARY 7TH 1997....GOODBYE TO BEAR
The first day of February came in on a Saturday. Becky came down for breakfast and we gave Bear his meds. He slept on and off and even when his eyes were open I wasn’t sure if he was registering anything. Still I knew patients had the ability to hear and think even in the worst of strokes or comas and so I spent a lot of time by his bedside talking with him or reading to him. I kept my hand on his to let him know he wasn’t alone. Who knows what goes through a persons mind when death is near and they have no way to communicate? At least I could send all the signals I could think of.
On Sunday Becky came early and I gave Bear a bath, shave, trimmed his hair and cut his nails. We put the bed back down to let him rest. He seemed restless and moaned several times during the afternoon. I increased his morphine to every 6 hours because it was wearing off before time to give it again. He rested much better after that. I appreciated Becky coming because she could answer the phone and visit with ones who came…..it freed me up to spend my time with Bear.
I got up several times in the night to check on him and finally gave him morphine at 4:30 a.m. He rested peacefully after that. Now that Bear didn’t eat or drink there was little I could do except keep him clean and change his bed. I sat with him a lot just wondering what I could do and answering the phone. I was pretty much alone with him his last week because friends knew his time was short and that he was mostly sleeping. The vital, inspirational man we all knew was slowly leaving us and my intent was to let it be peaceful.
The weather turned dark and dreary with rain and fog but on Wednesday the sun broke through and we had a nice bright day. Bear came through the night and I spent most of the morning bathing and changing his bed…..and I turned him every hour so he wouldn’t have bed sores. Without being able to feed him or have him respond to me the days were quiet. I went to bed each night looking out at the stars and thinking, “My husband is dying and everything else seems to go on without him. The central part of my life is leaving me and I can’t stop it.”
I finally broke down and cried my eyes out…….I had put up a big front for so long but now I could see how thin Bear had become and when he was no longer able to look at me and send messages with his eyes I was feeling very much alone. The worst part for a loved one standing in the gap is when life is slipping away and you just have to watch it happen. Knowing I couldn’t do anything to alter that was the hardest for me.
That evening I bathed Bear again and Becky helped me change the bedding. We had Bear all fresh and resting when his niece from Seattle arrived at 8:00 p.m. She was so hoping she could get here before he passed away. She had flown to St. Louis and then rented a car and made the dark trip alone. She did remarkably well for someone who didn’t know the area. She sat by him and poured her heart out to him but he was beyond responding……his eyes were not closed nor open and had a different look to them. Linda and I decided to go to bed around 12:30 a.m. but before we did we each stood by his bed and prayed. I remember in mine, I asked God to “please take care of my husband this night, be it here or in heaven.” We reluctantly left and went to bed.
I woke with a start before 4:00 a.m. I had a funny feeling I should go check on Bear but I lay there dreading to for fear he would be gone. As I lay in the quiet, I heard Tuffy our cat, jump up on Bear’s bed. In just a moment he jumped down. I knew then Bear was gone. Tuffy always went up to Bear’s face and then sniffed his nose….as if to see if he was still breathing. The minute he jumped off the bed so fast, I knew why.
I didn’t hesitate. I jumped up and went to him as fast as I could………I peered at him in the soft light and he wasn’t breathing. I touched his face, neck and hands….he was warm in the fleshy places but his fingers and nose were cool. My Bear was gone. He looked so peaceful and he had a slight smile on his face. I’m sure his angels came to take him at last…….and why did I wake so suddenly? It was a goodbye kiss before he left………Bear’s journey was over.
Until Monday,
Essentially Esther
On Sunday Becky came early and I gave Bear a bath, shave, trimmed his hair and cut his nails. We put the bed back down to let him rest. He seemed restless and moaned several times during the afternoon. I increased his morphine to every 6 hours because it was wearing off before time to give it again. He rested much better after that. I appreciated Becky coming because she could answer the phone and visit with ones who came…..it freed me up to spend my time with Bear.
I got up several times in the night to check on him and finally gave him morphine at 4:30 a.m. He rested peacefully after that. Now that Bear didn’t eat or drink there was little I could do except keep him clean and change his bed. I sat with him a lot just wondering what I could do and answering the phone. I was pretty much alone with him his last week because friends knew his time was short and that he was mostly sleeping. The vital, inspirational man we all knew was slowly leaving us and my intent was to let it be peaceful.
The weather turned dark and dreary with rain and fog but on Wednesday the sun broke through and we had a nice bright day. Bear came through the night and I spent most of the morning bathing and changing his bed…..and I turned him every hour so he wouldn’t have bed sores. Without being able to feed him or have him respond to me the days were quiet. I went to bed each night looking out at the stars and thinking, “My husband is dying and everything else seems to go on without him. The central part of my life is leaving me and I can’t stop it.”
I finally broke down and cried my eyes out…….I had put up a big front for so long but now I could see how thin Bear had become and when he was no longer able to look at me and send messages with his eyes I was feeling very much alone. The worst part for a loved one standing in the gap is when life is slipping away and you just have to watch it happen. Knowing I couldn’t do anything to alter that was the hardest for me.
That evening I bathed Bear again and Becky helped me change the bedding. We had Bear all fresh and resting when his niece from Seattle arrived at 8:00 p.m. She was so hoping she could get here before he passed away. She had flown to St. Louis and then rented a car and made the dark trip alone. She did remarkably well for someone who didn’t know the area. She sat by him and poured her heart out to him but he was beyond responding……his eyes were not closed nor open and had a different look to them. Linda and I decided to go to bed around 12:30 a.m. but before we did we each stood by his bed and prayed. I remember in mine, I asked God to “please take care of my husband this night, be it here or in heaven.” We reluctantly left and went to bed.
I woke with a start before 4:00 a.m. I had a funny feeling I should go check on Bear but I lay there dreading to for fear he would be gone. As I lay in the quiet, I heard Tuffy our cat, jump up on Bear’s bed. In just a moment he jumped down. I knew then Bear was gone. Tuffy always went up to Bear’s face and then sniffed his nose….as if to see if he was still breathing. The minute he jumped off the bed so fast, I knew why.
I didn’t hesitate. I jumped up and went to him as fast as I could………I peered at him in the soft light and he wasn’t breathing. I touched his face, neck and hands….he was warm in the fleshy places but his fingers and nose were cool. My Bear was gone. He looked so peaceful and he had a slight smile on his face. I’m sure his angels came to take him at last…….and why did I wake so suddenly? It was a goodbye kiss before he left………Bear’s journey was over.
Until Monday,
Essentially Esther
