Thursday, September 15, 2005
THE END OF JANUARY....1997
Becky took a vacation-day from work so I could drive down to West Plains for groceries. It was the first time I had been off the place since mid-December. I wouldn’t leave Bear with just anyone and Becky knew our schedule so I was comfortable in leaving for a few hours. Ironically, when I returned, our Hospice homecare lady was here and had an accident in her car due to icy conditions and her step-daughter had tried to commit suicide the night before. She left us early to go to the hospital and for once, our situation seemed better than hers. Trouble has a way of finding everybody, no matter what.
I woke the next morning to find Bear in a terrible mess. Somehow he had removed his catheter during the night and was in a wet bed. That was the good part, in respect of him I won’t go into the rest of it. I managed to get him cleaned up and called Becky to help get him off the wet mattress. We had rubber sheets to take care of that and then pads under him. Once he was fixed and comfortable I called Vickilyn, his nurse, to replace the catheter. By the time that was all taken care of it was lunch time so I made the three of us a good hot meal and Bear was able to enjoy it.
Later that day I could tell he was having pain. It seemed to be the old phantoms in his stump. Hospice had given me pain pills to use as he needed them but we hadn’t used any of them. I was wakened at 2:15 a.m. hearing abnormal breathing….and by the time I was able to get to him he was having a mild seizure. I called Becky and Hospice both and Becky came immediately, Vickilyn, his nurse called and told me to give him some of the pain medication. By 3:00 a.m. he was in a deep sleep so I sent Becky home and went back to bed.
When I woke at 6:00 a.m. he was still sleeping soundly so as I had been instructed, gave his meds rectally. Later in the day Hospice delivered a new mattress which made Bear much more comfortable. As the days progressed in January Bear’s ability to speak slowly deteriorated but his body language was such that I could always get hold of what he needed or wanted to tell me. Since I was with him every moment I never really saw the subtle changes that others saw when they came. I had lulled myself into believing how I wanted it to be rather than the way it was. I would have gone on for months like we were just to keep him.
About the last week of January he would open his eyes when I came to his bedside but I don’t think he really saw anything. I was able to give his meds with a little water and liquid jello. He was dozing more all through the day and moving very little. I had been shown how to move him from side to side so he wouldn’t have fluid settle in his lungs……..I continued to bathe and shave him every day and made sure his bedding was fresh. At times he would be more alert and I would be so happy but then the next day it would all go backwards. My emotions were beginning to jump up and down along with however he was doing.
He had another session of removing the catheter and Vickilyn came to put it back. We gave him two morphine suppositories for the pain and he slept the rest of the day. He didn’t eat because he was sleeping but he woke about 4:00 a.m. the next morning and I helped him change position and cough after sleeping so long. I gave his meds at 6:00 a.m. and fed him. He ate fairly well and was awake quite a bit of the morning as we went through the routine of bathing, shaving and changing the bedding. After lunch he slept most of the afternoon.
The Hospice nurse took me to task on one of her visits. She wanted me to quit trying to feed or give Bear liquids. She warned that by continuing to do so he might choke and suck some into his lungs. She said, “Believe me, you don’t want that to happen. It’s far better to let his system shut down naturally.” She told me his body was preparing for death and I needed to allow that to happen. I tried to keep my feelings out of her information but how could I not try to give him nourishment? Our kitchen table was in line with his bed in the living room so that when I ate, I could see him. It was the hardest thing I’d been called upon to do for my husband.
He was sleeping more and more so when visitors came he no longer knew it. People continued to come, regardless, and I was told over and over how much he had influenced their lives. I played a lot of gospel music during the day as Bear loved it so and I hoped it settled into his consciousness.
One evening when Becky was with us before Bear got beyond communicating……he kept moving his head on the pillow so he could see a certain corner of the room. He kept pointing and making sounds so I asked if he wanted the thermostat changed…..along with every other thing I could think of. He was so excited I couldn’t imagine what he had reference to. Seeing our inability to figure out what he meant, Becky said, “Bear, do you see something in the corner?” and he managed to say, “yes!” He pointed again and looked at us, like “don’t you see over there?”……Becky said, “Bear, do you see angels?” and he said “yes!”…his face lit up and he kept pointing. There was no doubt in my mind that angels were attending………and ready to take Bear home when the time was right. It was one of those moments that kept me sane long after he passed away. Tomorrow, Bear’s long journey ends…………….
Until then,
Essentially Esther
I woke the next morning to find Bear in a terrible mess. Somehow he had removed his catheter during the night and was in a wet bed. That was the good part, in respect of him I won’t go into the rest of it. I managed to get him cleaned up and called Becky to help get him off the wet mattress. We had rubber sheets to take care of that and then pads under him. Once he was fixed and comfortable I called Vickilyn, his nurse, to replace the catheter. By the time that was all taken care of it was lunch time so I made the three of us a good hot meal and Bear was able to enjoy it.
Later that day I could tell he was having pain. It seemed to be the old phantoms in his stump. Hospice had given me pain pills to use as he needed them but we hadn’t used any of them. I was wakened at 2:15 a.m. hearing abnormal breathing….and by the time I was able to get to him he was having a mild seizure. I called Becky and Hospice both and Becky came immediately, Vickilyn, his nurse called and told me to give him some of the pain medication. By 3:00 a.m. he was in a deep sleep so I sent Becky home and went back to bed.
When I woke at 6:00 a.m. he was still sleeping soundly so as I had been instructed, gave his meds rectally. Later in the day Hospice delivered a new mattress which made Bear much more comfortable. As the days progressed in January Bear’s ability to speak slowly deteriorated but his body language was such that I could always get hold of what he needed or wanted to tell me. Since I was with him every moment I never really saw the subtle changes that others saw when they came. I had lulled myself into believing how I wanted it to be rather than the way it was. I would have gone on for months like we were just to keep him.
About the last week of January he would open his eyes when I came to his bedside but I don’t think he really saw anything. I was able to give his meds with a little water and liquid jello. He was dozing more all through the day and moving very little. I had been shown how to move him from side to side so he wouldn’t have fluid settle in his lungs……..I continued to bathe and shave him every day and made sure his bedding was fresh. At times he would be more alert and I would be so happy but then the next day it would all go backwards. My emotions were beginning to jump up and down along with however he was doing.
He had another session of removing the catheter and Vickilyn came to put it back. We gave him two morphine suppositories for the pain and he slept the rest of the day. He didn’t eat because he was sleeping but he woke about 4:00 a.m. the next morning and I helped him change position and cough after sleeping so long. I gave his meds at 6:00 a.m. and fed him. He ate fairly well and was awake quite a bit of the morning as we went through the routine of bathing, shaving and changing the bedding. After lunch he slept most of the afternoon.
The Hospice nurse took me to task on one of her visits. She wanted me to quit trying to feed or give Bear liquids. She warned that by continuing to do so he might choke and suck some into his lungs. She said, “Believe me, you don’t want that to happen. It’s far better to let his system shut down naturally.” She told me his body was preparing for death and I needed to allow that to happen. I tried to keep my feelings out of her information but how could I not try to give him nourishment? Our kitchen table was in line with his bed in the living room so that when I ate, I could see him. It was the hardest thing I’d been called upon to do for my husband.
He was sleeping more and more so when visitors came he no longer knew it. People continued to come, regardless, and I was told over and over how much he had influenced their lives. I played a lot of gospel music during the day as Bear loved it so and I hoped it settled into his consciousness.
One evening when Becky was with us before Bear got beyond communicating……he kept moving his head on the pillow so he could see a certain corner of the room. He kept pointing and making sounds so I asked if he wanted the thermostat changed…..along with every other thing I could think of. He was so excited I couldn’t imagine what he had reference to. Seeing our inability to figure out what he meant, Becky said, “Bear, do you see something in the corner?” and he managed to say, “yes!” He pointed again and looked at us, like “don’t you see over there?”……Becky said, “Bear, do you see angels?” and he said “yes!”…his face lit up and he kept pointing. There was no doubt in my mind that angels were attending………and ready to take Bear home when the time was right. It was one of those moments that kept me sane long after he passed away. Tomorrow, Bear’s long journey ends…………….
Until then,
Essentially Esther
