Thursday, August 25, 2005
SEPTEMBER AND OCTOBER....1996
We were off for Labor Day and Jonathan stopped by to tell us how his Becky was doing. She was in a St. Louis hospital where her right leg was amputated below the knee. He stayed with her a week but had to go back to work. He said she was doing great and was looking forward to coming home. We were hoping it would get all of the cancer and this would be put behind them once and for all. They were hoping to get married but wanted to wait until she was through with all of her treatments.
I took off work one day so I could go to the Social Security office and see what my possibilities were for retirement. We had a nice lady who helped us with decisions and we planned for me to retire at the end of May the next year. I would then be eligible to draw 100% of both Social Security and my retirement from the Highway Patrol. I was beginning to be anxious about Bear’s health and I wanted to be available if he had some big problems up ahead. At the time it seemed inevitable.
The 17th of September I went with Bear to have a consultation with Dr. Hacket about the results of the MRI. He said the left side of his brain was completely normal but the right side was very abnormal. There were only a few veins. The picture was weird to look at…..on the left there were veins all scrambled up like a plate of spaghetti……on the right side it was dark except for about 3 veins running through. The clot was visible and he suggested not doing anything with it at that time because the vein was very weak and might break, thereby causing a massive cerebral hemorrhage. It gave mixed signals. We came home not knowing if he was better off or worse off. Our dilemma continued.
The month drug on with Bear feeling optimistic one day and then concerned the next. In the early days of October he lost the feeling in his left thumb that eventually went up into his arm. There was no way we could ever rest from the onslaught affecting him in so many ways. His speech was becoming slowly affected by whatever it was that was bothering him. About the time I felt panicky he would have a good day, free of problems. It was walking a fine line with our emotions.
The first weekend in October we drove up to George’s for a visit. It was great to leave our troubles behind for a few days and have something different to think about. Becky went with us and we enjoyed a good visit with all of our old friends. By mid-week his thumb and arm went numb again and this time it scared him pretty bad. In desperation we drove to the Fort to see if we could get any idea from the doctors what to do. His doctor suggested we hook up with our local neurologist again so we could have more frequent appointments. We felt like we were being punted back and forth because no one knew what to do. Bear had three bad seizures the next day.
When we were able to get in to see Dr. Applegate again, she was alarmed at the change in Bear. His speech was definitely affected and his appearance was noticeably different. She said we had definitely lost ground and she called for tests of every kind. I continued to work and it was difficult because working on a traveling crew put me out of town every day. Naturally, my thoughts were always on Bear…..still, it gave me a little time out from the constant worry. At work I was forced to think about other things whether I wanted to or not. It was probably a good thing.
He was on five Dilantin’s a day and it made him kind of dopey and weak. To see him that disoriented was sad. He was trying so hard to pull out of the circumstances he found himself in but still, he had to take the Dilantin to keep from having the seizures…….a perpetual merry-go-round. On the 30th he had another seizure in spite of all the precautions and a friend called to tell us a mutual friend of ours had died. He had been on their roof pulling a large limb off when it snapped and threw him off balance……he dropped to the ground on top of a stump. He had been in the hospital for some weeks but died this day.
It seemed our whole world was crumbling apart at the seams. I was never one to take life for granted…..I had buried my father, my brother and my mother. I understood loss and I understood suffering. I just never got over the pain of watching it all happen……………
Until tomorrow,
Essentially Esther
I took off work one day so I could go to the Social Security office and see what my possibilities were for retirement. We had a nice lady who helped us with decisions and we planned for me to retire at the end of May the next year. I would then be eligible to draw 100% of both Social Security and my retirement from the Highway Patrol. I was beginning to be anxious about Bear’s health and I wanted to be available if he had some big problems up ahead. At the time it seemed inevitable.
The 17th of September I went with Bear to have a consultation with Dr. Hacket about the results of the MRI. He said the left side of his brain was completely normal but the right side was very abnormal. There were only a few veins. The picture was weird to look at…..on the left there were veins all scrambled up like a plate of spaghetti……on the right side it was dark except for about 3 veins running through. The clot was visible and he suggested not doing anything with it at that time because the vein was very weak and might break, thereby causing a massive cerebral hemorrhage. It gave mixed signals. We came home not knowing if he was better off or worse off. Our dilemma continued.
The month drug on with Bear feeling optimistic one day and then concerned the next. In the early days of October he lost the feeling in his left thumb that eventually went up into his arm. There was no way we could ever rest from the onslaught affecting him in so many ways. His speech was becoming slowly affected by whatever it was that was bothering him. About the time I felt panicky he would have a good day, free of problems. It was walking a fine line with our emotions.
The first weekend in October we drove up to George’s for a visit. It was great to leave our troubles behind for a few days and have something different to think about. Becky went with us and we enjoyed a good visit with all of our old friends. By mid-week his thumb and arm went numb again and this time it scared him pretty bad. In desperation we drove to the Fort to see if we could get any idea from the doctors what to do. His doctor suggested we hook up with our local neurologist again so we could have more frequent appointments. We felt like we were being punted back and forth because no one knew what to do. Bear had three bad seizures the next day.
When we were able to get in to see Dr. Applegate again, she was alarmed at the change in Bear. His speech was definitely affected and his appearance was noticeably different. She said we had definitely lost ground and she called for tests of every kind. I continued to work and it was difficult because working on a traveling crew put me out of town every day. Naturally, my thoughts were always on Bear…..still, it gave me a little time out from the constant worry. At work I was forced to think about other things whether I wanted to or not. It was probably a good thing.
He was on five Dilantin’s a day and it made him kind of dopey and weak. To see him that disoriented was sad. He was trying so hard to pull out of the circumstances he found himself in but still, he had to take the Dilantin to keep from having the seizures…….a perpetual merry-go-round. On the 30th he had another seizure in spite of all the precautions and a friend called to tell us a mutual friend of ours had died. He had been on their roof pulling a large limb off when it snapped and threw him off balance……he dropped to the ground on top of a stump. He had been in the hospital for some weeks but died this day.
It seemed our whole world was crumbling apart at the seams. I was never one to take life for granted…..I had buried my father, my brother and my mother. I understood loss and I understood suffering. I just never got over the pain of watching it all happen……………
Until tomorrow,
Essentially Esther
