Saturday, August 27, 2005
THE FIRST WEEK OF NOVEMBER....1996
Bear and I went to the Fort the first of the month for flu and pneumonia shots. He had some check-ups and we came right home because Bear was tired. The next day was Saturday and we worked on leaves. Becky, Bear and I worked steadily to clear our yard and then we went up to her house and raked her yard. Normally I enjoy being out but I was too worried about Bear to enjoy anything.
On day five we drove to Springfield for an MRI. Dr. Applegate was determined to find the cause of Bear’s distress. We arrived early and sat in the car in the parking lot until time to go inside. We watched some little sparrows hop around the bushes looking for food and I was thinking how normal everything was except for the two of us. Life was going on and we were sitting here wondering what this final test would find.
It took most of the afternoon and Bear was his usual jovial self, visiting with the ones who were in charge as they wheeled him from room to room. Finally at 3:30 we headed home. Dr. Applegate called shortly after we arrived and told me the MRI’s had been faxed to her and the news was not good. She said to stop his Cumadin at once and to see her Thursday, early in the morning. She set our appointment up by a day and wanted to see us before her patients arrived. I was the one who took the call but I didn’t tell Bear what she said. I only told him she had the tests back and we were to see her Thursday morning. He didn’t ask further.
The next day was Wednesday so we had a day to wait. We spent the day just doing wonderfully normal things that seemed so precious now. Bear wasn’t concerned but I was sick at heart. When we went to bed and I heard him breathing deep I lay thinking what the next morning would bring. He woke me in the middle of the night and was crying. He said he’d had a wonderful dream where Jesus came to him and told him he was coming home soon. He told Bear not to be afraid because he knew he was ready…….but he should tell everyone he saw that the time was short. Bear was so ecstatic and positively overwhelmed he couldn’t go back to sleep.
It began raining towards morning and was overcast and dreary. We hurried around and drove to West Plains to meet with Dr. Applegate. When we were seated, she said that Bear never had a stoke. The MRI clearly showed a fast growing tumor that was inoperable. That was what was causing all of the difficulty since the tumor was too close to the motor part of the brain. She said even if we had known in June about the tumor the results would have been the same……the cancer could not be separated from the brain……she had a prescription that she gave him for medication that might help him with his speech as it was becoming more difficult for him to say what he wanted and speak correctly. Especially when he became tired.
It was difficult for her to tell us. I sat frozen in my chair. Bear got up with his crutches and reached his hand across the desk. Dr. Applegate was totally undone over the news she had to tell him but he said, “Don’t worry. I’m going to heaven……..and I want to see you there, too.” He seemed altogether calm and in control of his feelings. She stared at him as he went on……. “It’s all right…..I’m a Christian and I’m going home.” She stood up and hugged him and we left. On the way past the receptionist’s desk, he noticed she was wearing a corsage. “I’ll bet it’s someone’s birthday today,” he said, and the lady said it was. He offered a hearty congratulations and we left. I know the woman had been aware of the news we would receive and she looked at him in disbelief for stopping to notice her corsage after the news we were just handed. We hurried to the car because of the rain coming down in torrents. I had been driving for some weeks because of his seizures……..when we were seated in the car and alone, I began crying.
Bear reached over and patted my arm. “Don’t cry, Bunny…….it’s going to be OK.” The news was so much worse than even I had imagined I was in shock. I thought maybe more surgery or something but not a life threatening thing like this. I couldn’t keep from crying. I wanted so much to believe it wasn’t really happening. I drove home in a stupor and began to sort out what we needed to do. Dr. Applegate called Fort Leonard Wood for an appointment with the neurologist to begin treatment that very day. We ate a bite of lunch and called Becky. She was working at the CDL lot but left immediately to come home and go to the Fort with us.
My mind was trying to get hold of the fact that Bear was not going to be with me much longer…….I cried all 80-miles to the Fort. I didn’t have the peace that Bear had so my mind and heart kept trying to make sense of the whole affair. How was I ever going to live without Bear……..we had been married over 26 years and had been inseparable. I couldn’t imagine a life without him……..
Until Monday,
Essentially Esther
On day five we drove to Springfield for an MRI. Dr. Applegate was determined to find the cause of Bear’s distress. We arrived early and sat in the car in the parking lot until time to go inside. We watched some little sparrows hop around the bushes looking for food and I was thinking how normal everything was except for the two of us. Life was going on and we were sitting here wondering what this final test would find.
It took most of the afternoon and Bear was his usual jovial self, visiting with the ones who were in charge as they wheeled him from room to room. Finally at 3:30 we headed home. Dr. Applegate called shortly after we arrived and told me the MRI’s had been faxed to her and the news was not good. She said to stop his Cumadin at once and to see her Thursday, early in the morning. She set our appointment up by a day and wanted to see us before her patients arrived. I was the one who took the call but I didn’t tell Bear what she said. I only told him she had the tests back and we were to see her Thursday morning. He didn’t ask further.
The next day was Wednesday so we had a day to wait. We spent the day just doing wonderfully normal things that seemed so precious now. Bear wasn’t concerned but I was sick at heart. When we went to bed and I heard him breathing deep I lay thinking what the next morning would bring. He woke me in the middle of the night and was crying. He said he’d had a wonderful dream where Jesus came to him and told him he was coming home soon. He told Bear not to be afraid because he knew he was ready…….but he should tell everyone he saw that the time was short. Bear was so ecstatic and positively overwhelmed he couldn’t go back to sleep.
It began raining towards morning and was overcast and dreary. We hurried around and drove to West Plains to meet with Dr. Applegate. When we were seated, she said that Bear never had a stoke. The MRI clearly showed a fast growing tumor that was inoperable. That was what was causing all of the difficulty since the tumor was too close to the motor part of the brain. She said even if we had known in June about the tumor the results would have been the same……the cancer could not be separated from the brain……she had a prescription that she gave him for medication that might help him with his speech as it was becoming more difficult for him to say what he wanted and speak correctly. Especially when he became tired.
It was difficult for her to tell us. I sat frozen in my chair. Bear got up with his crutches and reached his hand across the desk. Dr. Applegate was totally undone over the news she had to tell him but he said, “Don’t worry. I’m going to heaven……..and I want to see you there, too.” He seemed altogether calm and in control of his feelings. She stared at him as he went on……. “It’s all right…..I’m a Christian and I’m going home.” She stood up and hugged him and we left. On the way past the receptionist’s desk, he noticed she was wearing a corsage. “I’ll bet it’s someone’s birthday today,” he said, and the lady said it was. He offered a hearty congratulations and we left. I know the woman had been aware of the news we would receive and she looked at him in disbelief for stopping to notice her corsage after the news we were just handed. We hurried to the car because of the rain coming down in torrents. I had been driving for some weeks because of his seizures……..when we were seated in the car and alone, I began crying.
Bear reached over and patted my arm. “Don’t cry, Bunny…….it’s going to be OK.” The news was so much worse than even I had imagined I was in shock. I thought maybe more surgery or something but not a life threatening thing like this. I couldn’t keep from crying. I wanted so much to believe it wasn’t really happening. I drove home in a stupor and began to sort out what we needed to do. Dr. Applegate called Fort Leonard Wood for an appointment with the neurologist to begin treatment that very day. We ate a bite of lunch and called Becky. She was working at the CDL lot but left immediately to come home and go to the Fort with us.
My mind was trying to get hold of the fact that Bear was not going to be with me much longer…….I cried all 80-miles to the Fort. I didn’t have the peace that Bear had so my mind and heart kept trying to make sense of the whole affair. How was I ever going to live without Bear……..we had been married over 26 years and had been inseparable. I couldn’t imagine a life without him……..
Until Monday,
Essentially Esther
