Wednesday, May 18, 2005
THE LAST OF OCTOBER....1991
I went to work the next day. Mom was about the same and Bear would be driving back with our new car. It was a quiet day at work and I arrived home around 4:30pm. I began fixing supper as I expected Bear any time after 5:00pm. He came a half hour later……..and I went out to see the car. We had selected a red one…..and it was the perfect color I had hoped for. Bear had a smile on his face as big as the Grand Canyon…..he loved the performance on the road back home. We took pictures to remember the occasion.
After supper we picked Becky up and went to see how mom was doing. She was about the same. We stayed until she drifted off and then came home. The next day was Saturday and I went out after dinner and stayed with her until bedtime. They had been giving her shots to help her rest and she seemed quite peaceful that visit. The next day, on Sunday, I had someone teach my Sunday School Class and I went out to be with mom. Her breathing became labored and irregular…..she had oxygen for about a week at that time. Bear came out part of the day and Becky stayed the whole time. We sat quietly and let mom rest as much as she could.
I worked the next day, but to give me peace of mind, Bear went out and sat with mom. He promised to call if there was any change. Once home, I picked Becky up and we went out to sit with her. She was more restless at this point and getting noticeably weaker….laboring to breathe. The days began running into each other, each with the same result. I would work, come home and go immediately to see mom. Bear was with her during the day…Becky and I were with her each evening until bedtime.
On Wednesday, the 23rd, Ron and I were leaving the parking lot at headquarters when the Captain’s secretary called on the car radio and asked Ron if I was with him. He answered that I was and she said I had a call at the office. We turned around and I went in to learn it was the nursing home calling that mom was having a bad spell. Ron arranged with me to be taken to the nursing home and he went on without me. The Sergeant went to tell Bear where I was and he came out as soon as he could get away.
When I arrived, mom’s oxygen in the blood was 19 and it should be in the 90’s. She was laboring to breathe and made a little sound every time she exhaled. Her pulse was racing. I sat by her bed and stared at her closed eyes. I knew we were close to losing her and I had been gearing myself up for the final time I would visit her in that place. I spent the time thinking over the high points of mom’s life and the hardships she had endured. Her journey was almost over and I couldn’t imagine my life without mom. By now, mom was 87-years and I was 59.…….mom had “been there” for every one of those years. With dad and Louis both gone I was beginning to feel a strange loneliness. I was the baby of the family….with them all gone I felt I was soon to be orphaned. It was a weird feeling because I had a loving husband, loving children and grandchildren. I had every logical reason to be grateful and happy but my heart wouldn’t listen to logic. My mind raced with every conceivable way to keep mom alive. Maybe if we did this…..or that….or something else. Did I make the right decisions, should I have done so and so….it went on hour after hour. My heart would not accept any comfort.
About 10:30 that morning, mom began breathing easier and I had Bear call Becky at work to let her know. Her vital signs became more normal and when Becky came I told Bear to go on home because he was trying to get our leaves raked up before the weather turned cold and rainy. Becky and I stayed until 8:00 that evening and called it a day. Our emotions were pulled to the breaking point. The nurse told us she would call during the night if mom had a turn for the worse. I was in bed sound asleep by 9:00pm.
I slept like a log until 2:15am when the phone woke us. Mom was failing fast and they didn’t expect her to last the night. We jumped up to dress and get to WC as fast as we could. Shortly after we arrived her vitals began returning to normal again and the crisis was once more over. No one could explain how she could be so close to death and then come out of it. Becky came after work and we stayed until 8:00 that evening…….we left mom resting. At 12:20am we were called out of bed again only to be called back before we could get there to tell us mom had returned to normal “vitals” and it wouldn’t be necessary to come. I slept until 7:30 the next morning and then went back to see how mom was doing.
By now she was in her own little world. Her demeanor was much like a child playing in a crib. The staff had the rails up on her bed so she couldn’t roll out and she was in a fetal position much of the time, singing to herself and making cooing sounds. Off and on her face would light up as if she saw someone and she would say, “mama”………”papa”………and look so happy…….then she would say, “bye bye” in a wistful voice, like they came near and then left. It was comforting to watch and I felt I was seeing something very special. In my mind I could see grandma and grandpa coming to assure her….to take her on her last journey.
On Sunday the 27th we were called at 4:20 in the morning to tell us mom was having a lot of fluid buildup and her feet were cold and purple. We got dressed quickly and drove to the nursing home. It was warm and foggy with a half-moon glowing through the fog. It cast an eerie light above us. When we arrived, mom was resting fairly well but through the morning her breathing became more labored. Her pulse was racing far too fast for the medication to slow it down or have an impact. Her eyes began looking a little cloudy and she was on maximum oxygen. I continued my habit of wiping her face with a damp cloth to give her comfort…..talked to her and held her hand. Mom was by now far away but I knew she could hear me and I wanted her to know how much we all loved her.
The nurse on duty had been so good to mom. Over the years we trusted and loved her kind ways with her patients. She had a larger oxygen mask brought in that covered mom’s nose and her mouth…….saying it would help her breath easier. All of a sudden her breathing changed and as we watched, her eyes opened and she looked upward with a peaceful recognition……then a little short sucking breath as if her spirit departed her body. Then she was gone.
She had witnessed my first breath at birth and I witnessed her last breath in death. The circle was complete. Here. On this earth. But one day I shall see my mother and father coming to comfort as I lay on my deathbed…..to take me on that last journey………home, at last.
Until tomorrow,
Essentially Esther
After supper we picked Becky up and went to see how mom was doing. She was about the same. We stayed until she drifted off and then came home. The next day was Saturday and I went out after dinner and stayed with her until bedtime. They had been giving her shots to help her rest and she seemed quite peaceful that visit. The next day, on Sunday, I had someone teach my Sunday School Class and I went out to be with mom. Her breathing became labored and irregular…..she had oxygen for about a week at that time. Bear came out part of the day and Becky stayed the whole time. We sat quietly and let mom rest as much as she could.
I worked the next day, but to give me peace of mind, Bear went out and sat with mom. He promised to call if there was any change. Once home, I picked Becky up and we went out to sit with her. She was more restless at this point and getting noticeably weaker….laboring to breathe. The days began running into each other, each with the same result. I would work, come home and go immediately to see mom. Bear was with her during the day…Becky and I were with her each evening until bedtime.
On Wednesday, the 23rd, Ron and I were leaving the parking lot at headquarters when the Captain’s secretary called on the car radio and asked Ron if I was with him. He answered that I was and she said I had a call at the office. We turned around and I went in to learn it was the nursing home calling that mom was having a bad spell. Ron arranged with me to be taken to the nursing home and he went on without me. The Sergeant went to tell Bear where I was and he came out as soon as he could get away.
When I arrived, mom’s oxygen in the blood was 19 and it should be in the 90’s. She was laboring to breathe and made a little sound every time she exhaled. Her pulse was racing. I sat by her bed and stared at her closed eyes. I knew we were close to losing her and I had been gearing myself up for the final time I would visit her in that place. I spent the time thinking over the high points of mom’s life and the hardships she had endured. Her journey was almost over and I couldn’t imagine my life without mom. By now, mom was 87-years and I was 59.…….mom had “been there” for every one of those years. With dad and Louis both gone I was beginning to feel a strange loneliness. I was the baby of the family….with them all gone I felt I was soon to be orphaned. It was a weird feeling because I had a loving husband, loving children and grandchildren. I had every logical reason to be grateful and happy but my heart wouldn’t listen to logic. My mind raced with every conceivable way to keep mom alive. Maybe if we did this…..or that….or something else. Did I make the right decisions, should I have done so and so….it went on hour after hour. My heart would not accept any comfort.
About 10:30 that morning, mom began breathing easier and I had Bear call Becky at work to let her know. Her vital signs became more normal and when Becky came I told Bear to go on home because he was trying to get our leaves raked up before the weather turned cold and rainy. Becky and I stayed until 8:00 that evening and called it a day. Our emotions were pulled to the breaking point. The nurse told us she would call during the night if mom had a turn for the worse. I was in bed sound asleep by 9:00pm.
I slept like a log until 2:15am when the phone woke us. Mom was failing fast and they didn’t expect her to last the night. We jumped up to dress and get to WC as fast as we could. Shortly after we arrived her vitals began returning to normal again and the crisis was once more over. No one could explain how she could be so close to death and then come out of it. Becky came after work and we stayed until 8:00 that evening…….we left mom resting. At 12:20am we were called out of bed again only to be called back before we could get there to tell us mom had returned to normal “vitals” and it wouldn’t be necessary to come. I slept until 7:30 the next morning and then went back to see how mom was doing.
By now she was in her own little world. Her demeanor was much like a child playing in a crib. The staff had the rails up on her bed so she couldn’t roll out and she was in a fetal position much of the time, singing to herself and making cooing sounds. Off and on her face would light up as if she saw someone and she would say, “mama”………”papa”………and look so happy…….then she would say, “bye bye” in a wistful voice, like they came near and then left. It was comforting to watch and I felt I was seeing something very special. In my mind I could see grandma and grandpa coming to assure her….to take her on her last journey.
On Sunday the 27th we were called at 4:20 in the morning to tell us mom was having a lot of fluid buildup and her feet were cold and purple. We got dressed quickly and drove to the nursing home. It was warm and foggy with a half-moon glowing through the fog. It cast an eerie light above us. When we arrived, mom was resting fairly well but through the morning her breathing became more labored. Her pulse was racing far too fast for the medication to slow it down or have an impact. Her eyes began looking a little cloudy and she was on maximum oxygen. I continued my habit of wiping her face with a damp cloth to give her comfort…..talked to her and held her hand. Mom was by now far away but I knew she could hear me and I wanted her to know how much we all loved her.
The nurse on duty had been so good to mom. Over the years we trusted and loved her kind ways with her patients. She had a larger oxygen mask brought in that covered mom’s nose and her mouth…….saying it would help her breath easier. All of a sudden her breathing changed and as we watched, her eyes opened and she looked upward with a peaceful recognition……then a little short sucking breath as if her spirit departed her body. Then she was gone.
She had witnessed my first breath at birth and I witnessed her last breath in death. The circle was complete. Here. On this earth. But one day I shall see my mother and father coming to comfort as I lay on my deathbed…..to take me on that last journey………home, at last.
Until tomorrow,
Essentially Esther
