Thursday, August 12, 2004
NEVER SAY NEVER
The old year was gone and the new year underway. I found the perfect time to talk with George about our marriage. The past five years had been hectic. We were touted to be the perfect family and on the outside it would seem so. As the years went by we failed to work on the communication factor of our marriage. We weren’t privy to all of the spin on relationships in 1970. If you weren’t a perfect match there were two choices. Stick with less or divorce and hope for the best. As a family package we were solid as a rock but as a couple we were on a collision course.
Growing up I saw many women my parents age who stuck it out. They were unhappy people who tolerated each other and the life they were trapped in. There is such a radiance when people are alive and happy, full of hope and loving. I pictured myself down the road a few years, with the kids gone, becoming more bitter as each empty year went by. Divorce was a subject that crossed my mind many times but never pursued because I just couldn’t get that far. My own convictions kept me from it.
It got to the place I felt I was living a lie. I hated myself for “pretending” to be the loving wife when I felt so empty inside. I needed and missed something that I didn’t have. I tried to talk to George about it but he would always pass it off as related to something else going on at the time. There didn’t seem to be any way to make him realize we had a serious problem….or that I did. Feelings were something that was hard for him to talk about and probably down deep he didn’t want to get into for fear it would develop into a decision he didn’t want to make. Who can understand someone who doesn’t express their feelings or want to listen to yours?
Later that year we divorced and the details were worked out amicably. When I knew I was going to write my life’s story this would be the most difficult thing to get through. How could I do what I had always condemned? How could I find words to make it sound right to my own children? How could I live with myself when I deserted the very core of who I was? I had never been a quitter in my life and now I was dropping the ball. From the first day I began writing about ‘me’…knowing we would eventually be at this point, I knew I couldn’t give an answer that sounded equal to the deed. I only know there is a point in a marriage where all hope is gone, whatever you had to begin with has died and to continue the charade is lethal to both parties. I was right and I was wrong.
I do not say George Sr. was the problem. I do not say he was anything other than a good, honest, decent man. I know there are women who would gladly be happy with that, and that is why it was difficult to justify. Still, I knew it was time to go. I knew he never would……..there are some scars that never heal and I’ve caused some as well as bear some. Down the road so far as I have now come, I see it was both beneficial and destructive. Divorce is never the end of anything, but rather the beginning of many things. It is a wise teacher and a stern reminder that nothing comes “free”……there is a price for each action and some are bitter pills to swallow. It is never the “end-all cure-all” but a cross to be borne………
I do not wish to air my personal life on a blog site but divorce is part of who I am and the lessons learned. The purpose of writing this at all is to let others know who may be thinking of divorce…. that it is a road to heartache…..
Until tomorrow,
Essentially Esther
Growing up I saw many women my parents age who stuck it out. They were unhappy people who tolerated each other and the life they were trapped in. There is such a radiance when people are alive and happy, full of hope and loving. I pictured myself down the road a few years, with the kids gone, becoming more bitter as each empty year went by. Divorce was a subject that crossed my mind many times but never pursued because I just couldn’t get that far. My own convictions kept me from it.
It got to the place I felt I was living a lie. I hated myself for “pretending” to be the loving wife when I felt so empty inside. I needed and missed something that I didn’t have. I tried to talk to George about it but he would always pass it off as related to something else going on at the time. There didn’t seem to be any way to make him realize we had a serious problem….or that I did. Feelings were something that was hard for him to talk about and probably down deep he didn’t want to get into for fear it would develop into a decision he didn’t want to make. Who can understand someone who doesn’t express their feelings or want to listen to yours?
Later that year we divorced and the details were worked out amicably. When I knew I was going to write my life’s story this would be the most difficult thing to get through. How could I do what I had always condemned? How could I find words to make it sound right to my own children? How could I live with myself when I deserted the very core of who I was? I had never been a quitter in my life and now I was dropping the ball. From the first day I began writing about ‘me’…knowing we would eventually be at this point, I knew I couldn’t give an answer that sounded equal to the deed. I only know there is a point in a marriage where all hope is gone, whatever you had to begin with has died and to continue the charade is lethal to both parties. I was right and I was wrong.
I do not say George Sr. was the problem. I do not say he was anything other than a good, honest, decent man. I know there are women who would gladly be happy with that, and that is why it was difficult to justify. Still, I knew it was time to go. I knew he never would……..there are some scars that never heal and I’ve caused some as well as bear some. Down the road so far as I have now come, I see it was both beneficial and destructive. Divorce is never the end of anything, but rather the beginning of many things. It is a wise teacher and a stern reminder that nothing comes “free”……there is a price for each action and some are bitter pills to swallow. It is never the “end-all cure-all” but a cross to be borne………
I do not wish to air my personal life on a blog site but divorce is part of who I am and the lessons learned. The purpose of writing this at all is to let others know who may be thinking of divorce…. that it is a road to heartache…..
Until tomorrow,
Essentially Esther
